Cinematic Feelings

The words are sitting there perched waiting to be articulated,
I can feel it somewhere within, perhaps in my spleen,
Not sure what a spleen is for but perhaps to provide a place for the words to perch,
I am certain that once they are released that deep ache will be stretched,
That inner tension will finally have relief,
The same relief felt after paddling the pink canoe mid ovulation,
Feelings so deliciously rich like licking a giant spoon dripping with dark chocolate icing,
Do these feelings radiate?

She said I was attractive,
Not new, but I grin every time I get her to say the words out loud,
My romantic heart once again swoons,
In love with the soul of a woman who will never be mine,
But that love.
That love is mine.

Amused, amusing, how terribly cinematic I depict life when in this mood,
Very fairy tell the very flair of these words,
Reruns of my cinema worthy edited past,
Every ex, every candle lit cuddle, every black and white filtered kiss,
Precious attachments captured and stored,
Until they are once again explored.
No regrets,
Blessed for everyone woman whose ever arched her hips,
As I parted her lips with my tongue,
Grateful for every vulnerable hello and goodbye,
Honored for every heart I’ve held, however brief,
God is definitely a woman,
If you doubt this, then you’ve simply never been with one.

Boundaries

What are their motives?
If you learn to listen, they will be made clear,
The healthier I am,
The more I can hear.

Most, simply doing the best they can,
Taking this into account,
As I observe from where I am,
Each person trying to meet their needs,
Even if they are unaware of what they are.

Amazing vessels in which we reside,
Consciously we feel the craving,
Physiologically the body understanding what is needed inside,
Each of us seeking to meet these requests.

Discerning where your energy is spent,
More easily decided,
Based upon others intent,
No longer needing to fill an empty hole,
More thoroughly understanding my own worth,
Puts decisions back under my control,
Able to set boundaries,
Aligning my environment with my long term goals.

Having compassion,
Leaving space for whatever that relationship may be,
But only committing to actions,
Toward the path that always keeps me free,
Free from emotional deflections, limiting perceptions, social bondage, spiritual blockage, energy deleters, and dream disbelievers,
Choosing my circle wisely of spiritual seekers, passionate dreamers, enthusiastic supporters, and tenacious warriors,

Capacity to think more in the gray,
Which provides allowance for others to be how they may,
Non-judging but acknowledging my right to live my best life,
Which may or may not include you today.

 

Come For a Walk With Me

Walking with my dogs,
Sun beating down,
Shadows from tree leaves dance on the ground,

I have to pee

Ok…I am a block from the house, 
Harping on this will not make me arrive any faster,

Breathe, do my mantra, “I am worthy of love and connection.”

I need to clean the bathroom, it is so dirty, once I get that done I can sit down and relax. Then I’ll be happy.

Ok…I am a block from the house, 
Harping on this will not make me arrive any faster,

Breathe.

It smells like a early summer morning,
Shortly after I mowed the grass for my father in my youth.

Breathe.

God, why does Andie have to take so fucking long to smell that mailbox. Seriously, this is ridiculous.

Because this is their time, they sit in that house while I do God knows what, let them enjoy this time. How selfish I am.

Don’t fret, I give them a much better life than most. Many people don’t even walk their dogs. I love them and I am doing my best.

Apparently a third voice has decided to chime in,
To try to absolve me of my sins,
Breathe, feel the sun warm on my skin.

I need to get back and clean that bathroom. It’ll take me an hr at most to do everything I need to do in the house. Then I can sit and enjoy the rest of the day. I’ll feel so much better.

It repeats.
Breathe, “I am worthy of love and connection.” Breathe.

God here they go again. Charlie is going to pee on Andie’s head. I swear he fucking loves to give him golden showers. What the fuck. 

Anger rising up from within,
Where does this come from?
Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Here comes a truck. Don’t make eye contact. You’ll have to smile or nod. I hate social pleasantries. Just look at the ground. Act like you are busy corralling the dogs. 

What kind of love and awareness am I brining into the world with that attitude. What’s wrong with me.

Breathe. One step. Feel my feet touch the earth. Breathe.
Beauty. Colors. Chirping of birds.

Wait is that kids I hear? God please don’t let them come over here. They are going to ask to pet Charlie. Charlie is going to be an asshole and act like he is going to bite their face. It is going to be this whole ordeal. It is going to stress me out.

Well if I think like that I am going to attract that situation. Laws of attraction remember.

Breathe. Release. “I am worthy of love and connection.” “Financial abundance is on its way.” Breathe.

Third season of Handmaids Tale. I wonder if binge watching this has fucked with my head. 

Breathe. Eyes close. Breathe. Sun warms me. Breathe. “I am home.” “I am home.”

I need to clean the bathroom. God it is so fucking dirty. Ugh, it is totally making me feel like shit.

Irritation building up inside.
Ruining this moment. This moment which has absolutely nothing wrong it. A perfectly fine moment.

You know as soon as you clean the bathroom, your brain is going to find some other issue to bitch about.

Breathe. Smell the fresh cut grass. Breathe.

Transcend

My heart is overflowing,
Touched by the impact one person can have,
Such beauty and inspiration we are capable of giving,
By these simple lives we are living.

A story crafted from thin air,
Actors capable of total emersion,
Cultivating tears for factious characters in mere hours,
Poetic melodies titillating the heart,
Now that’s art.

A dance that looks like a flowing stream,
Athletic ability that inspires dreams,
What a blessing we’ve been given,
A place where these things exist,
To be human and to feel,
May seem like a raw deal,
We swell with love,
And get drained by loss,
Yet we only know peace because of pain,
We see rainbows because of rain.
We are born to die,
But there is no end,
We transcend.

Oceans

I no longer have energy for anything less than oceans,
Texting about lustful desires used to be exciting,
Seeking highs that such conversations would bring,
I’m not that same me,
If you can’t touch me without us touching skin,
If the depth of this is what I see,
Then you and I will never be.

I want to talk about mindfulness,
About how you watch your thoughts,
Describe the defects that make you real,
Talk to me about how your perceptions make you feel,
Who inspires you and why,
What about your strange beliefs?
Expand my mind,
Disclose what you use to numb and get relief,
What are your triggers that cause you to use them,
Fill me in on what makes you human.

I worked so hard to embrace emotions,
Superficial relationships, no thanks,
I want oceans.

 

Recovery

Peers at work ask me about my plans,
Anything fun?
Yard work, perhaps some homework,
No doubt my life from the outside probably sounds lame,
Perhaps if I told them the whole truth they’d still think the same,
I drive to a church where strangers meet,
To sit in a circle and reflect,
In this divided society,
We sit and connect,
What my peers don’t know,
Is that I’m in recovery.

It was Saturday, talking to a girl from the other coast,
What’d you do tonight she’d ask after coming home late from a party,
I went to a meeting…
The conversation would shift, eventually we drift,
Clearly her night was better?
That Saturday I listened to someone share about their bottom,
Bringing back memories of the things I did when I was blacked out on alcohol,
I went home feeling lighter,
What were my problems? … I don’t recall,
Just another night of rolling around raw in vulnerability with others,
What a blessing,
Truly humbled,
I’m in recovery.

What is it that you do for fun? I assume normal people wonder,
The answer is anything,
I’m no longer encumbered,
Fear does not hold me back,
My fun no longer requires me to numb,
Most days I am happy with a cup of coffee, two people, and simple talk,
I have peace today in this life I walk,
Early on it was, “why’d I have to be this?”
Now I’m ecstatic that I get to live a life of service,
Continued growth and self-discovery,
Each day I get the opportunity to be a better me,
I’m in recovery.

 

 

 

 

After the Fact

When she struggled with her painting I quit mine and we worked on hers together,

When she needed to go slow down the stairs I hung back and let her,

I didn’t ask for my slippers back even though my feet were cold,

I played those extra games of cards even after it had gotten old,

What an amazing person I wasn’t because these things didn’t happen,

I focused on my painting and she quit painting to play on her phone,

When we left the store I rushed to the car leaving her on her own,

The minute she took off the slippers I grabbed them and put them back on,

And when asked to play cards again I went to nap with a yawn.

I really wish I was capable of being the person I realized I could have been,

Instead of hours later, at the time I should have been,

The road to hell is paved with great intentions,

Pretty sure Im on my way with all these missed ascensions.

My heart constantly broken by my thoughts who betray,

Not sure how I got this way,

So flawed and incapable of the compassion, encouragement, kindness, and patience that I want to give,

This is not the life I want to live.