The service stretching on,
Forced to stand and kneel,
Stinky smells and songs with bad rhythm,
Things I hated, now I love.
Connection and family,
“One bread, One body”,
Songs from my youth,
Traditions now revered.
Cold winter day chores,
Expectations of hard labor clearing wood,
Lazy and much rather being up to no good,
Things I hated, now I love.
The crisp clean air,
The smell of fireplace wafting from where,
Football, warm stew, and buttered bread awaited,
Bonding together over the success of stacked wood on the porch,
Now prepared for frosty nights,
Sitting together around Christmas lights.
Being stuck making small talk to some relative I barely knew,
All the while wondering what my friends were up to,
Taking my leave as soon as I could,
Things I hated, now I love.
Barbecue, horseshoes, and swimming,
In twilight chasing fireflies and listening to stories of my family’s past,
Wishing to grasp the fond memories of all those things I once hated.
Those things that now I love.
I unbutton my shirt and open the window,
Revealing the dirty parts of my heart.
With my words I display my flaws,
Forming a mirror in which is a reflection of you.
Courage departs to doubt,
Did you hear me? What do you see?
Old wounds lying bare, scabbed partially bleeding,
Each disclosure rubbing them ever so slightly.
Am I being helpful or seeking acceptance?
Does it aid in my healing or delay it?
Painful to be seen, but even more so to carry this alone.
Relate and not compare.
Connection only through the removal of masks.
I will continue to expose myself to you,
Will you get naked with me?
This heavy sheath,
Draped around my shoulders,
Pressing against the curves on my hips,
Pulling on the skin beneath my arms,
Tugging on my second chin,
Hate oozing out from within.
Unable to perfect my goals,
Self-discipline steps out for a meal,
Dictating how I feel,
Not giving up,
But not getting there.
As my fat disappears, so will my isolation,
Acceptance and love, always just another 10 pounds away.
Unable to be seen, until I am worthy to be seen.
Cognitive dissonance puts the monster in hibernation for awhile,
Psychologically incapable of holding it for long,
But it returns,
Like walking out of a dark theater,
Digging in my heals,
Trying to stay in today,
Impatient for the future me,
You’d like her.
The pool, arrogantly calm,
Judging the sea for its waves,
Until someone jumps in,
Turbulent and humbled again.
Drinking in the richness of you,
My thirst never quenched,
Fluent in sweet sunny gazes,
Interpreting your heart from your kisses,
Spinning in orbit around your finger,
Gravity pulling me close,
Landing my lips on your surface,
My path lit by the stars in my eyes,
As I travel the journey of your past,
Exploring the peaks and valleys of your soul,
Stopping to rest in the pillows of your touch,
Enjoying the slight breeze of your breath on my neck,
As your delicate words drip on my ears,
My future lying in my arms,
The map clearly marked, destination, you.
A thick foggy haze of fuck you, surrounds me,
The forecast had not predicted disturbed energy,
Perhaps there was a red sky this morning,
Or other signs that this was forming,
The disease under my skin,
My allergies of people kicking in,
Itching to run,
My emotional clouds smothering the sun,
Zero visibility through this thinking,
The rains of this storm have me sinking.
It’s terrifying, the drama, as it rages through,
Wondering, will this be the one to cause me to unglue?
I wish the world was a different place,
Where we didn’t feel the need to compete,
Put downs and social media posts weren’t used to feel more complete,
Gossip and judgement wasn’t a way to belong,
That it wasn’t more important to be right, than to be wrong,
Where egos weren’t constantly on the defensive,
And happiness wasn’t so expensive.
I wish of a world not fettered with fear,
Where we talked less in order to better hear,
Outer beauty was valued less than the beauty within,
You didn’t have to lose, for others to win.
I wish for a world where it is understood,
Who you are is not defined by your livelihood,
Sometimes you gain by subtraction.
People don’t need fixed, they need compassion,
Giving doesn’t mean you receive less,
The more you give, the more you possess.
A win win, is better than a win lose,
Empathy is found in someone else’s shoes.
You are not alone,
You are more than the dash between two dates on a headstone.
Everyone has worth,
It came automatically at your time of birth.
Pain is unavoidable but suffering is not,
To change your life, simply change your thoughts.
My heart might explode,
Wanting to express how I feel,
Yet none of the words seem right,
A picture is worth a thousand words,
Yet like a cell phone photo of the moon,
It pales in comparison,
Perhaps it can only be said through touch,
But then I might say too much.
A temperature that’s possessed,
Hope wrapped in a breeze,
After the sun rests,
Flickering of moments perfect in time.
The future stretched as far as the sky,
Adventures awaited as the waves collected,
Sparkling jewels from the refracted moonshine.
The heart always heeds to its call,
Regardless of the age or place,
When magic mainstreams the nightfall,
Worries briefly erase.
Memories of youth by the sea,
Feelings felt from back then,
For a moment, wild, young and carefree,
Until the present takes over again.
No telling where it all began,
Or to where it may go and end,
Consisting of gas,
Lacking of mass,
Cannot be seen,
Power source that’s clean,
Disturbing the seas,
Talking through trees,
Comfort on hot nights,
Necessary for flights,
Spreading seeds, helping things grow,
Sometimes fast, sometimes slow,
Capable of large scale destruction,
When absent creator of suction,
Carrier of balloons,
Something a flame requires,
Sailing ships across Oceans,
Contributor of erosions,
Gods in Greek Mythology,
An element of Astrology,
Wild and undisciplined,