Come For a Walk With Me

Walking with my dogs,
Sun beating down,
Shadows from tree leaves dance on the ground,

I have to pee

Ok…I am a block from the house, 
Harping on this will not make me arrive any faster,

Breathe, do my mantra, “I am worthy of love and connection.”

I need to clean the bathroom, it is so dirty, once I get that done I can sit down and relax. Then I’ll be happy.

Ok…I am a block from the house, 
Harping on this will not make me arrive any faster,

Breathe.

It smells like a early summer morning,
Shortly after I mowed the grass for my father in my youth.

Breathe.

God, why does Andie have to take so fucking long to smell that mailbox. Seriously, this is ridiculous.

Because this is their time, they sit in that house while I do God knows what, let them enjoy this time. How selfish I am.

Don’t fret, I give them a much better life than most. Many people don’t even walk their dogs. I love them and I am doing my best.

Apparently a third voice has decided to chime in,
To try to absolve me of my sins,
Breathe, feel the sun warm on my skin.

I need to get back and clean that bathroom. It’ll take me an hr at most to do everything I need to do in the house. Then I can sit and enjoy the rest of the day. I’ll feel so much better.

It repeats.
Breathe, “I am worthy of love and connection.” Breathe.

God here they go again. Charlie is going to pee on Andie’s head. I swear he fucking loves to give him golden showers. What the fuck. 

Anger rising up from within,
Where does this come from?
Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Here comes a truck. Don’t make eye contact. You’ll have to smile or nod. I hate social pleasantries. Just look at the ground. Act like you are busy corralling the dogs. 

What kind of love and awareness am I brining into the world with that attitude. What’s wrong with me.

Breathe. One step. Feel my feet touch the earth. Breathe.
Beauty. Colors. Chirping of birds.

Wait is that kids I hear? God please don’t let them come over here. They are going to ask to pet Charlie. Charlie is going to be an asshole and act like he is going to bite their face. It is going to be this whole ordeal. It is going to stress me out.

Well if I think like that I am going to attract that situation. Laws of attraction remember.

Breathe. Release. “I am worthy of love and connection.” “Financial abundance is on its way.” Breathe.

Third season of Handmaids Tale. I wonder if binge watching this has fucked with my head. 

Breathe. Eyes close. Breathe. Sun warms me. Breathe. “I am home.” “I am home.”

I need to clean the bathroom. God it is so fucking dirty. Ugh, it is totally making me feel like shit.

Irritation building up inside.
Ruining this moment. This moment which has absolutely nothing wrong it. A perfectly fine moment.

You know as soon as you clean the bathroom, your brain is going to find some other issue to bitch about.

Breathe. Smell the fresh cut grass. Breathe.

Transcend

My heart is overflowing,
Touched by the impact one person can have,
Such beauty and inspiration we are capable of giving,
By these simple lives we are living.

A story crafted from thin air,
Actors capable of total emersion,
Cultivating tears for factious characters in mere hours,
Poetic melodies titillating the heart,
Now that’s art.

A dance that looks like a flowing stream,
Athletic ability that inspires dreams,
What a blessing we’ve been given,
A place where these things exist,
To be human and to feel,
May seem like a raw deal,
We swell with love,
And get drained by loss,
Yet we only know peace because of pain,
We see rainbows because of rain.
We are born to die,
But there is no end,
We transcend.

Oceans

I no longer have energy for anything less than oceans,
Texting about lustful desires used to be exciting,
Seeking highs that such conversations would bring,
I’m not that same me,
If you can’t touch me without us touching skin,
If the depth of this is what I see,
Then you and I will never be.

I want to talk about mindfulness,
About how you watch your thoughts,
Describe the defects that make you real,
Talk to me about how your perceptions make you feel,
Who inspires you and why,
What about your strange beliefs?
Expand my mind,
Disclose what you use to numb and get relief,
What are your triggers that cause you to use them,
Fill me in on what makes you human.

I worked so hard to embrace emotions,
Superficial relationships, no thanks,
I want oceans.

 

Recovery

Peers at work ask me about my plans,
Anything fun?
Yard work, perhaps some homework,
No doubt my life from the outside probably sounds lame,
Perhaps if I told them the whole truth they’d still think the same,
I drive to a church where strangers meet,
To sit in a circle and reflect,
In this divided society,
We sit and connect,
What my peers don’t know,
Is that I’m in recovery.

It was Saturday, talking to a girl from the other coast,
What’d you do tonight she’d ask after coming home late from a party,
I went to a meeting…
The conversation would shift, eventually we drift,
Clearly her night was better?
That Saturday I listened to someone share about their bottom,
Bringing back memories of the things I did when I was blacked out on alcohol,
I went home feeling lighter,
What were my problems? … I don’t recall,
Just another night of rolling around raw in vulnerability with others,
What a blessing,
Truly humbled,
I’m in recovery.

What is it that you do for fun? I assume normal people wonder,
The answer is anything,
I’m no longer encumbered,
Fear does not hold me back,
My fun no longer requires me to numb,
Most days I am happy with a cup of coffee, two people, and simple talk,
I have peace today in this life I walk,
Early on it was, “why’d I have to be this?”
Now I’m ecstatic that I get to live a life of service,
Continued growth and self-discovery,
Each day I get the opportunity to be a better me,
I’m in recovery.

 

 

 

 

After the Fact

When she struggled with her painting I quit mine and we worked on hers together,

When she needed to go slow down the stairs I hung back and let her,

I didn’t ask for my slippers back even though my feet were cold,

I played those extra games of cards even after it had gotten old,

What an amazing person I wasn’t because these things didn’t happen,

I focused on my painting and she quit painting to play on her phone,

When we left the store I rushed to the car leaving her on her own,

The minute she took off the slippers I grabbed them and put them back on,

And when asked to play cards again I went to nap with a yawn.

I really wish I was capable of being the person I realized I could have been,

Instead of hours later, at the time I should have been,

The road to hell is paved with great intentions,

Pretty sure Im on my way with all these missed ascensions.

My heart constantly broken by my thoughts who betray,

Not sure how I got this way,

So flawed and incapable of the compassion, encouragement, kindness, and patience that I want to give,

This is not the life I want to live.

Your Place

Opening the laptop with a blank page to type,
Fingers skimming over the keys,
A warmth washes over,
Like sticky buns being pulled from the oven on Christmas,
A familiarity and a comfort,
Like settling deep in a worn oversized arm chair,
What will this visit bring?
The neurons of excitement firing on all cylinders,
Feeling like the first taste of coffee with french vanilla cream in the morning,
Heart and chest expanding into a smile,
Who knew body parts could smile?
A short visit before plunging into the world of business,
Where you are much like a child playing dress up,
Masquerading around among adults who seem so well suited to their work,
But here, here with 10 fingers flying across black and white keys,
Or here, gripping a pencil as it brings images to life,
Removes the concern of not having a place,
This place, this inner home, this free expression, it may not pay the bills,
It may never bring riches or fame,
But it is yours,
It is a place that does not require an application or credentials,
It does not care if you can network or if you are extroverted,
Looks or material things make no difference,
There is no performance review outside of the one you may decide to give yourself,
Therefore, go into the world,
Do as you must to survive,
But never doubt your worth or your place,
Your place is here, waiting,
It is the white space beneath the last sentence you wrote.

 

 

Morning Meditation

The dog barks from somewhere outside,
High pitched shrill barks,
A small dog for certain, Perhaps a Maltese…
Clearly unhappy for being left,
Is this an irritation? Or an opportunity to become present?
The cooler which contains the 5-gallon jug of water,
Buzzes and rattles as it seeks to cool the water,
Smacking it will only cause it to reside briefly,
Is this an irritation? Or a reminder to return to the present moment?
The dog stops barking, the cooler ceases running,
Quiet. Lack of noise. Silence seems so profound,
Gratitude for the noise, causing the absence of it to bring great peace.

Sensing the body, how is it today?
Appreciating all the areas that don’t ache,
No tension headache,
The lower back is tolerable, the left knee feels great.
Enjoying a full breath.
The air is refreshing and cool as it flows through the nose,
Expanding the lungs in a fulfilling stretch,
Sitting deep inside this body.

Observing the mind as it tries to find problems,
After all, that is the job it has been given,
To find and fix problems.
The dog begins barking, bringing back the present.
Breathe. Set intentions for the day. Begin.