Where do you find compassion?
Where does it hide?
Why do I have so little?
Why am I so mean to me inside?
Others recommend, treat yourself as you would a friend,
Unfortunately, I am also hard on them.
If I have no understanding of my own mistakes,
How can I have any for yours?
How do I cross this ocean of self-damnation to forgiving shores?
It’s hard to see a future when things will be different…when I will be different,
When you’re in your emotions things feel like they will always be the same,
Looking back I know, that statistically, this isn’t true,
As long as I keep seeking change,
My circumstances will change and I will too.
Someone said recently, that what kept him going was the thought,
That what if tomorrow is the day when things will get better?
Castaway said it best, “So now I know what I have to do. I have to keep breathing. And tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring in.”
I unbutton my shirt and open the window,
Revealing the dirty parts of my heart.
With my words I display my flaws,
Forming a mirror in which is a reflection of you.
Courage departs to doubt,
Did you hear me? What do you see?
Old wounds lying bare, scabbed partially bleeding,
Each disclosure rubbing them ever so slightly.
Am I being helpful or seeking acceptance?
Does it aid in my healing or delay it?
Painful to be seen, but even more so to carry this alone.
Relate and not compare.
Connection only through the removal of masks.
I will continue to expose myself to you,
Will you get naked with me?
This heavy sheath,
Draped around my shoulders,
Pressing against the curves on my hips,
Pulling on the skin beneath my arms,
Tugging on my second chin,
Hate oozing out from within.
Unable to perfect my goals,
Self-discipline steps out for a meal,
Dictating how I feel,
Not giving up,
But not getting there.
As my fat disappears, so will my isolation,
Acceptance and love, always just another 10 pounds away.
Unable to be seen, until I am worthy to be seen.
Cognitive dissonance puts the monster in hibernation for awhile,
Psychologically incapable of holding it for long,
But it returns,
Like walking out of a dark theater,
Digging in my heals,
Trying to stay in today,
Impatient for the future me,
You’d like her.
I’d been enmeshed in a co-dependent mess,
It was like I didn’t even exist,
We were a dysfunctional whole,
Wherever I went, there you were,
Until a small insignificant moment made me see the toxicity of our relationship,
It wasn’t the mental or emotional abuse I’d enured for years,
Nor the isolation, insecurity, fear, or anxiety you instigated,
All of that had become my normal,
It was the short taste of freedom,
The brief moment of me without you,
For that minute I could breath.
It was then I knew that I wanted you to leave.
Trying to force you to go or change only made the abuse worse,
Things were different though,
I was now aware of the abuse,
Awareness was everything,
Perhaps I couldn’t change you,
But I could change my reaction to you.
I no longer have to engage in your rants,
I have a choice today,
I can separate myself from you whenever I want,
And someday, perhaps I can divorce you for good.
Just got home, it’s late, and story time,
No this isn’t your run of the mill nursery rhyme,
It’s the kind that will keep you up at night,
Not rated R but contains strong self hate that may incite fright,
The after 10 delight,
The they judge you, can’t share with you, don’t want to be near you story,
The if your ass was smaller or you were prettier then they’d love you allegory,
But don’t worry,
Turn the lights on and check under the bed,
It’s all in your head,
But it’s based on actual events the story said,
“She looked at you anxiously when you spoke”,
“He wouldn’t sit next to you”, that’s all she wrote.
Never mind the people who knew your name,
Or who seemed glad you came,
The story is still the same,
You are ugly, worthless, lame,
You are not a caring human being,
Why would you entertain this story? Its just mean!
The debate continues, “because it’s true!” it screams,
Even if it is true…which it is not,
You don’t have to entertain every plot!
Change the story, make that shit up,
To what? That everyone loves me?
That just sounds fake,
Who doesn’t like fiction? For Pete’s sake!
Give it a new take, the best ever re-make,
Something with a happy ending,
That you have a good heart, are loved and are worthy of friending,
And read that shit every night,
Until it sounds right.
And read that shit every night,
Until it FEELS right!