LGBT

Vomit Diaries – Why are we all floating?

My brain was in space this morning, figuratively. Seeking answers to these types of questions from friends.

Needless to say, I ended up taking the day off work, my mind was not in the type of space for work. I needed a day off anyway. The day prior I decided to challenge my fit 80 lb lighter sister, to a 7-day apple watch fitness challenge 😳 Not sure what I was thinking. I burnt 1,382 calories yesterday and man was I feeling it this morning. She is already ahead by like 300 pts.

So I attempted to make productive use of my time off today to try to do my assignment for the week. I love how my professor is like yes, just read about these 3 things and do a couple paragraphs summary on it with your thoughts on whether they support nature or nurture. Easy right? A couple of paragraphs?? Really? Nice! I could do that in my sleep! Until I see what I need to read, OMG. The first topic is about the New York Longitudinal Scales Adult Temperament Questionnaire (ATQ) and about the study that the people who created it conducted. Well, to read that, it is a 164 freaking article. And not just any article, a 164-page research article. That is just one of the 3 topics! I managed to get to page 79 before I needed a nap. And I haven’t even read anything good yet. The good stuff must be in the second half.

Then I went for an eye exam. If you know me at all, you know I am kind of a hypochondriac. I can convince myself something is wrong and once I think of it my anxiety latches on and until I can get it disconfirmed by a doctor I’ll be convinced I have it. So my mom apparently has some eye condition called Anterior Basement Membrane Dystrophy (ABMD), which is genetic, and the symptoms she described sounded exactly like the ones I have had for the last 8 years. So I go, of course, I’m fine, lol. Well, I text my mom about how my appointment went, that I was fine, and asked how her appointment went. And in mom’s typical fashion she doesn’t even acknowledge what I shared. Like yay, glad you don’t have it, glad it went well, I don’t know…something. No, nothing. Just went on about her appointment. The typical non-emotional, non-acknowledgment, non-empathetic her that I grew up with. I text my friend, and she, knowing my assignment this week, asks, is it nurture vs nature? I’m sure for my mom it was both. I know my grandparents were very non-emotional people, they didn’t demonstrate love in that household.

What worries me, is that I am fucked, right? Like is every interaction with her nurturing me into being the same as her?? I already struggled with empathy, nurture? or nature? or both? Can I self-correct? I hope I can. I force myself to do stuff all the time that feels against my nature. Stuff that I don’t want to do but the person I want to be wants to, if that makes any sense.

I’ve been really into reading about habits a lot lately. I love reading about them partly because I find it fascinating to learn about why we do the things we do. I love behavioralism and find it insanely interesting and amusing that we can train ourselves just like you train dogs. I only bring this up as it ties into my previous paragraph. If I take the actions long enough, they will become habits, habits are behaviors that are acted on based on cues, without thinking. Common decency things will hopefully just become habits.

Anyway, I am tired and can’t take another day off so I better get my ass to bed. NIGHT!

Wishing you all peace and present moments!

Shay ♥️

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