I am sure there are millions of people whose mothers are alive but never call them. I am certain I am not alone. I asked my sister, “does mom ever call you?” She said, “if she needs something…like when they still had a house here and needed me to turn their water on.” And yet, she seemed unbothered by this. Why does this not bother her but it bothers me? She calls my parents a few times a week on her drive home from work. I have gotten in the habit of obligating myself to do this once a week. But that is what it really is at this point. An obligation. There is a part of me that wants to not call. To see how long before she contacts me…if she contacts me. She sees some of the stuff I allow her to see that I post on FB. Does this give her the unauthentic feeling of connection like it does with me and some of my friends? Perhaps. The scientist in me wants to do an experiment, no posts, no calls. What would happen? What if she died, would my stubborn resentful self regret this? I don’t know. Maybe? Maybe not. We don’t talk anyway. Like this is seriously the shit I think about.
Tonight she texted me to tell me, my cousin, who is 1 year older than me, died yesterday from a DUI motorcycle accident he was in. She texted me this. Is that normal? I asked if she knew when the funeral would be. She said she didn’t have the details. I asked if she could let me know because I’d like to go pay my respects and she said, “I don’t think we will get details no one is communicating.” Wonderful. I wasn’t super close with my cousin, but like that was family. I kind of hated him as a kid because he was a bit of a bully to me but as he got older I used to think he was so cool. And the manner in which he died, like that, could have easily been me. Probably would have been me at some point. So who knows if I’ll get to pay my respects. I will remember him and hold him in my heart as a cousin, a brother, a son, a father. Hopefully, I’ll get to pay my respects, but if not I will continue to send all the warmth in my heart into the universe for his grieving family.
Sometimes I feel like I am going through life completely disconnected. I think I heard once, that that is ego. That ego is what makes you feel separate from. Not sure if that is true or not. If so, then I got a good case of that going right now. There are numerous times I’ve thanked my therapist because there are months when she is truly the only reason I have felt heard and understood. And everyone needs that, everyone needs connection.
I suppose if I was someone on the outside looking in, reading this post, I’d think this person sure is having a good ol’ pity party. I just am being honest with my thoughts. This is just where I am tonight. And where I am at tonight is in a little bit of sadness, a little bit of pity and resentment for the fucked upness that appears to be my family, and feeling empathy for my cousin’s immediate family.