Today officially starts my workweek since I took yesterday off. I am hoping for a better week, however, I already feel stress sitting on me. I suppose that is because I woke up and started my day by watching the feedback video from my professor for my week 3 assignment and reading the feedback on my paper from the coaching review I submitted. It has left me feeling stressed and unconfident. Getting a Ph.D. is hard. I am sorry for any reader who has to hear me constantly bitch about this. I live alone and I am alone a lot. I am an introvert so I do like to be alone for a good amount of time however this is one of the few venues where I can share. Regardless, it is hard. I know it is supposed to be hard. I know that only 50 to 60% of people who begin their Ph.D. finish it. It is expensive not just in money but in time and in peace of mind. For those reasons, I will not give up. Even though I am apparently a poor writer academically and I don’t understand statistics for shit, I won’t give up. You can’t fail if you don’t give up. I have to believe that.
Today, I go back to work and I hope to do a better job of filtering, being more positive, and managing my stress better. I am going to go and block an hour each day on my calendar so I can swim and get sun. Tonight I have a virtual recovery commitment and then I plan to start on my homework this week. The assignment this week is to track changes on my paper from last week and basically try to improve my writing. I want to be optimistic but I am sure whatever changes I make this professor still won’t be happy. Wednesday I have my recovery commitment. Thursday I get to spend time with the person who I see periodically, once a week, maybe once every two weeks, for the last three years. We aren’t in a relationship, it is really just companionship and cuddles. Friendship with some cuddles. It is exactly the kind of arrangement someone like me needs. Someone who struggles to get close to anyone. It took me a while in therapy to be ok with the arrangement. I really felt like I was using her which apparently goes against some moral code or some type of belief that I have. Perhaps Catholic guilt, I am not sure. Regardless, in one of my last sessions, my therapist asked me if I felt she used me, and I said I wasn’t sure, maybe, not financially at least, so not in any way that bothers me. This helped me to realize though that she obviously gets something out of it that is mutually beneficial to her.
Friday through Sunday I am sure will be a mixture of swimming and working on homework. I want to start seeing if I can squeeze in bits of time to start learning statistics. My boss provided me a link to a website where you can take mini-free lessons basically. My statistics class is in January of next year and I would feel a lot better going into it feeling like I knew a little bit of something.
As I said, I am hoping for a better mental health week. I don’t get to try new meds till next week. So this week it will be all about trying to manage my stress. I hope everyone else out there has a great day!