Random thoughts

Vomit Diary – 06/09/22

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. No surprise there. So here is more a less a dump of what has been on my mind. I’ve been feeling very triggered by my recovery meetings for some time now. Which I know is me and how I am choosing to show up at those meetings. I’ve stopped practicing mindfulness and I can feel the effects. I become more reactive, more judgemental, more conflictual, and more afraid. In fact, I’ve been afraid a lot lately. Afraid for personal reasons, including my dog who is advanced in years and has currently elevated liver enzymes. The tests and any treatment is bound to be quite expensive. Sometimes the cost of living and just surviving on this planet can be so overwhelming. Recently I realized some of my spending stems from a place of scarcity and worrying about not having enough. Spending to have enough of whatever items I’ve decided I need, even tho I don’t have the money to buy them gives me a sense of safety and security. One less thing I don’t have to worry about running out of. A lack of faith that I’ll be provided for when I need it.

The power in belief is well, powerful, regardless of what that belief is. We shape our own realities by our beliefs. And our actions then help reinforce our beliefs and our image of ourselves as ones who believe those things. In the midst of real-life stressors it is easy to forget that in each life stressful event before, I survived. Therefore, why should I be so anxious now? My dad is turning 75 next month. I wonder if he is afraid. I think a lot about the frailty of life, especially with my elder dog. It causes me to reflect on my own mortality and also, how alone I am. I’ve done such a successful job of separating myself from everyone in my life. This man at work today was celebrating his 37th wedding anniversary. It is unlikely I’ll even live 37 more years let alone meet someone to spend these last ones with. But then that is those belief things again, right? I have a cousin who is highly religious and basically married to the church. She spent her life on that.

I have a lot of self-pity rattling around in my head. Woe is me for the burdens I’ve had to bear. Overall though, it has been a pretty good life. Could certain things have been easier? For sure. Is this life a repeat life, and are the things I am bearing in this life atonement for things in past lives? Are the Justin Biebers in this life being rewarded for theirs? How does it work? Is it just chance? I just want to do a better job of focusing on how I show up for others. I so often judge my weaknesses against others’ strengths and praise my strengths against others’ weaknesses. That is exactly where an egomaniac with an inferiority complex saying comes from.

Tonight I am very grateful as I hear my dogs snore for their companionship and the joy they have brought to me in my life. I am also very sad that I will someday lose them. Very sad that I will have to watch them get old and all that comes with it. I’m headed to bed. I’m hopeful I can get through these next couple of weeks. With everything work-wise and the hardest assignments of this class coming due every week for the next 3 weeks. I am just hoping to find the focus, strength, drive, and peace to balance everything.

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