I am up way later than I should be and I will most likely regret this tomorrow. However, I just finished watching Ben is Back on Netflix and I am a bit wound up. This led me to ponder why people choose to re-watch sad or emotionally painful things. I was wondering if it is perhaps because I am on meds that make me more emotionally balanced, and perhaps I sometimes miss really feeling? Miss pain? But I’ve always done this before meds, so that can’t be it.
Then it had me thinking about disassociation. Whenever I had read that term in diagnostic criteria before, I thought it was like a split personality or a mental break. I think perhaps it is a lot less severe than that or can be. I think disassociation is just going numb. Disconnecting from your feelings. I’ve been attempting to learn how to do this from the time I was a teenager. I’ve always felt too extreme and wanted to escape from that. The tools I used in adolescents were alcohol and drugs. When those were not available, I learned how to dissect people from my life. I would make elaborate plans on how I would completely eradicate people from my life for real or perceived wrongs they had done. In this respect, I was able to disconnect from my feelings if I could disconnect from them. This became a very overly used tool in my future and led to very unhealthy relationships and isolation. I also attempted to use manipulation as well. Manipulation helped me get what I felt I needed to stop feeling the way that I felt.
So all that being said. In all these ways I tried to not feel. Why in the world would I want to watch a movie that would make me feel extreme? Somewhere I read once people like to rewatch things they’ve seen before because they know what to expect. Therefore, it gives them a sense of control and safety in knowing that. For movies like Lord of The Rings or Harry Potter, I get that. A safe happy or adventourous movie, I get that. But why would I want to re-watch a movie that would make me cry?
When the scene in the movie came, where he parks the car, writes the note, and leaves the dog, who is obviously distraught. For that moment when the swells reeled up in my heart, I felt alive and connected to something. Even though it was painful, it was an alive releaseful pain. It absolutely makes no sense. I am going to need to research this more. Truly fascinating. Anyway, I really need to go to bed. Night.
Cover: Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash
Shaynanigans 