Have you ever given yourself a panic attack? Yeah, I did that tonight. I sometimes want to take on the world. It is utterly exhausting the things I want to be good at. Exhausting. I started typing every day weeks ago because I want to be a good writer and eventually write a book. And I love to write. It brings me joy. But doing it every day, shit doing anything every day is hard. I want to get better at drawing and painting so I try to do that as often as I can. But I love doing that as well. Months ago I started getting the New York Times with the aspiration I was going to read it every Sunday because that is what the smart people I admire do. I’ve read maybe 3 out of the 20 or so I’ve gotten. The rest have gone into recycling. It takes me almost 3 hrs to read the paper. Do you know how exhausting reading a newspaper for 3 hours is? My therapist talks a lot about Motivational Interviewing, and it is what she uses with me and it is highly successful. So of course I want to learn it. I have had a book and workbook on it on my bookcase now for maybe a year.
I am in school for my Ph.D. And that is hard. Really hard. But I like it a lot. This week I went to a Smart Recovery meeting because I want to work on my relationship with food and money. And trying to focus on that and work on that consistently, is also very hard. I like a lot of things about Smart Recovery, so I ordered their book and I want to go through that and really work on that part of my life. But I actually don’t like doing that, working on my weight and finances that is. It is not fun. So the only way according to all the books on habits I’ve been reading to be successful with it is I have to find a way to make changing the habits on food and money easy and couple it with things I do enjoy. I’ll let you know if and when I have any success with that. But still on the topic of Smart Recovery, I still would like to get certified on that so I could open up my own meeting locally. I think it would be nice for people in this area to have it as an option. The closet in-person meeting is an hr away. There are virtual meetings, but if you are new in recovery and looking for options, it is good to have an in-person community. But I know I can’t swing that right now. The thought of even looking at their training curriculum again makes my stomach hurt. The curriculum is perhaps the worst ever. Not the actual worksheets which are CBT based, those are super helpful. Just the videos and god awful other stuff they make you do.
The thing that gave me a panic attack and feeling very overwhelmed tonight was, I went to my regular detox committment meeting. Which I love, very much. There was a guy who spoke spanish there. At this particular detox center they make you go to the meetings to be able to stay there. So here is this guy not understanding a word I am saying and unable to share with me and had to sit there the whole hour. I felt TERRIBLE. So here I am, half ass manic me, texting people I know after the meeting who speak spanish to try to find a tutor. Because now I want to solve this problem and learn to speak spanish. I took 4 years of spanish back in early college years. I can still remember how to read it ok but never had confidence speaking it and can’t understand a word anyone is saying. Anyway, still don’t know if I have a tutor. But let’s say I get one. Can I do all of that? Can I learn to speak and understand spanish, hold a full time job, get a Ph.D, become a good writer, better painter, manage my recovery, work on my relationship with food and money, learn motivational interviewing, read the Sunday paper….Can I do all of that??? OMG. Right? Can you see where the panic attack came from? Breathe. I’ve convinced myself that 1 hr of trying to have a casual conversation in spanish can’t hurt. And maybe it can’t. And maybe I’ll try if I find someone willing to teach me. Or maybe I won’t. I have no idea.
Going to try to sleep. Busy day tomorrow. I Don’t need to solve all the world’s problems today.