Daily Writing

Double Edged Sword

Two memes posted on Facebook in the last few weeks had me thinking. The first meme was about how few understand the beauty of living alone. The second was that it was not natural for the amount of fury they felt when someone was simultaneously in the kitchen with them. Both memes made me realize I had not lived with anyone for 9 or 10 years. I have forgotten what that is like.

I would be the first to tell you the gratitude and sense of peace that comes with living alone. I can watch what I want when I want. When I want quiet, I can have quiet. I clean when I want. I don’t have to deal with anyone else’s idiosyncrasies.

This is on my mind since I am in a relationship for the first time in 8 or 9 years. If my trajectory remains constant, this woman will be living with me within the next couple of years. While I am looking forward to many aspects of this adventure. I look forward to the growth opportunities this will provide me as a human being. There will be parts of me fulfilled by a union with another soul that has been void for some time. However, I would be remiss to say that I don’t have any fears.

I have a thousand idiosyncrasies that will probably drive this woman insane. I know this, but that doesn’t prevent me from the concern about what it will be like to give up the freedom that I have now.

My previous sponsor from my home state used to talk about acceptance and character traits. It concerned the relationship/sex inventory one takes in recovery. She would say, as an example, you can’t wish and attempt to manifest someone independent but then be upset when they ask for space…or something of the sort. In other words, each wish there is a flip side to it. This is the meaning of a double edge sword. There is always a positive and a negative.

I have wished for and manifested love, connection, and someone to have adventures with. This will mean that I will lose that single freedom. It will mean I will have to deal with all her flaws while she will have to deal with all of mine. I still can allow myself the permission to feel what I am feeling, which is some fear and perhaps grieving the things I will be losing. As long as I don’t lose sight and gratitude for all the things I will be gaining.

Cover Photo by Chris Linnett on Unsplash

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