Well, I am back in school, 3 week breaks go fast. I’ve decided I should get back to some daily writing if possible to dust the rust off it. I’ve had trouble sleeping the last two days. Last night I woke up at 2 am with a very vivid thought about a time in my either late childhood or early teens. It was an event that I know was significant for my mom and perhaps for me as well. It had me wondering if that event was around the age that I started drinking and using drugs. I messaged my sister this morning and she said she thinks she was 12 or 13 when it happened. We are almost 2 1/2 years apart in age so that means I was 10 or like 11. This actually coincides with the age I started drinking and using pretty well. I wonder why my subconscious pieced this together in my sleep last night.
Then I also had another strange dream where I was in jail but the jailors had put me in with the men because I looked like one to them apparently. I hadn’t even realized it was strange apparently until I started carrying a purse around (which I mean me with a purse? What a crazy dream), and the men started calling me queer. I mean in part I know this dream is due to my constant fear and issue of being seen as a male by society based on how I dress and choose to do my hair.
Then I’ve got some other issues going on in my head right now. There is a group of ladies who attend my home group in recovery. They all also go to a meeting together on Friday nights which I choose not to attend because it is an all women’s meeting. I don’t feel comfortable at all women’s meetings. I feel judged. So they all get this extra bonding time to make plans and talk. So then when they do group chats about making future plans they are including me (no messages directed at me directly) but a general open invite. I don’t feel like going. I feel resentful and oddly excluded. Yet I am really the one excluding myself. What a strange thing.
Anyway, I need to get to work on my assignment so enough morning ramblings from me. I hope everyone has a blessed Saturday!