Writing Exercise – Word of the Day (04/30)
I get it. It is scary having a nefarious disease. Therefore, having a structured program that promises basically freedom of bondage from self and addiction, feels very safe. If I can do this one thing perfectly, this presents to my community an image of goodness and well-being. It gives me a feeling of security and self-esteem. Time and again I see people come and go and not succeed at this recovery thing. Over and over I see people disappear, blow up their life, or die. Why would anyone meddle or deviate? The Big Book then becomes the bible. Meetings are the church, often literally.
I however don’t believe that recovery is magic. I believe in science, research, and reason. I seek to understand why AA works for some but not for others and the scientific reasons behind the things that do work in AA and in other types of recovery programs. I do not believe that there is a one-size-fits-all for recovery. When I’ve expressed these thoughts to others in my community. This is what I hear, “keep it simple”, “you can be too smart to recover but never too dumb”, “that sounds like ego (Edging God Out)”, and so on. And when these things are said to me, what I hear is judgment and fear.
I am a curious creative seeker and to help others I have to explore. I also have to trust my intuitive self at some point to know what I need. Right now, based on the people the universe has put in my life, AA sponsorship is not a fit for me. And again, if you express these thoughts to those in my community, often what you will hear is, “so you are sponsoring yourself, my best thinking got me here”, “I need someone to be accountable to”, “my best thinking got me drunk”, “my first thought is wrong” and so on. When I hear these sentiments, it pains me because AA promised me recovery of mind, body, and spirit. I recovered from my addiction and desire to drink to be able to trust the intuitive voice that speaks within. I have friends both in recovery and without that I can seek guidance when in doubt. I do not want to continue to view myself as an invalid. I wonder if doing this is how some define humility. The logic is perhaps if I think of myself as incapable, I am humble. Humility however is just being free of pride or arrogance, it doesn’t mean I must distrust myself or believe my thinking is bad or faulty. I may be an addict but I believe that I can learn and grow. I can trust myself. That I am not born innately faulty.
I suppose the best news is that what others think of me is none of my business. Everyone’s path is their own. I have people in my life thankfully with whom I am able to have fearless open conversations where everything is explored. I have faith in my path and in the universe and in the support group I have that surrounds me. I am a very intentional person and the way that I conduct my social life and my service to others is also very intentional. My friend the other day said that to me about myself and I related to that hard. I feel so blessed for my creative curious seeking mind. I hope I continue to fearlessly share my rants, my discoveries, my new awarenesses, my growth, my faults, and my failures. I hope I continue to trust in my intuitive voice that speaks within and live courageously and relentlessly.
Word of the day:
- Nefarious – means “evil” or “flagrantly wicked or impious.”