I spent about 15 minutes this morning, as my friend used to like to call it, mental masturbating. Perhaps some less vulgar words are future projecting or manifesting if we want to be kind. Ekhart Tollle would say I was not being present, most likely to avoid something or to feel good. Basically to feel different. It’s hard to believe I’d be already avoiding something at 5:30 in the morning.
I do like to future project. The best mental masturbation involves some future time where I’ll have achieved some specific thing. This morning I was picturing myself at the end of next year and how much closer I’ll be to finishing school. This type of mental masturbation is the chasing of happiness that so many warn us about. I am off of school break and started my next class today. Each new class I start is an excuse to take some time to calculate how much I have left. Then to enjoy a few moments of thinking about what it’ll be like when I am closer to being done.
I was thinking this morning about my success in school and my lack of success in losing weight. I was wondering how the two things are different. How do I have so much success in one and so little in the other? Both require discipline. The only thing I can think of is the consequence. There are significant consequences if I don’t show up and do the work regarding school. For starters, if I were to fail, I’d be out a lot of money. I would then owe even more money by having to start the class over. I would lose time. I would also have to face the potential shame or embarrassment from others. The last being less significant mainly because I could easily hide that if I wished.
With my weight loss journey, when I fail to exercise, or do intermittent fasting, or eat right, there are no financial consequence, at least not immediate consequences. It will eventually cost me and tax payers money from health issues down the road. The only real immediate consequence is the feeling of regret and shame of not doing what I want to be doing yet again. However, this type of regret and shame while it is painful, is something I’ve done so frequently, I guess I’ve learned to live with it.
I think the rewards of succeeding at school or with my health in the immediate form are about equal. The other difference is the level of effort or discipline required. With school, I generally don’t have the energy or willpower to contribute daily, which usually means I have to binge my willpower and do the work over the weekend, sometimes 8 hours each day. With my health, it is necessary to exert willpower multiple times a day, everyday. I have to exert willpower to complete exercise, to pick the right meals, to eat the right amount, decrease sugar and carb intake, avoid sweets, drink more water, start and stop eating each day at the right times, track what I am eating. That is asking a lot. If I only needed to binge willpower two days a week that would indeed be much more manageable.
There are debates when it comes to willpower about how it works. Some researchers believe willpower can be exhausted. Like a battery with a limited supply, we run out and must be recharged before we can exert any more. Others believe it is like a muscle, and the more we exert our will, the stronger we get at doing so. Then, some believe it is a mixture of these two things. Offhand I feel like willpower is what we use when we have no motivation.
When I think about this type of motivation, it makes me think of Sisyphus, pushing a boulder up a hill. The hardest part of pushing that boulder, I would imagine, is getting it started. Once the boulder starts to move, while still very hard, is much easier once in motion. This is why some say you should make your bed in the morning. I read somewhere that those who do, accomplish more throughout their day. I think this is partly because they started moving the boulder. This type of continued motion is also true when it comes to dieting and exercise. Once you get the boulder moving and keep it moving it becomes easier to keep it moving. What’s in motion stays in motion. Over this last year and half I drummed up a swell of motivation at two or three different points and it seems like each time something happened almost immediately after that, that derailed me. This last time my father passed away and I was out of town for a month.
Now that I am back, I am trying to drum up that motivation to start again. Today is my first day. I have not made my bed. I have, however, not turned on the television. I’m having my coffee with monkfruit (zero calories). My plan is to exercise before I start work today and to attempt to not have anything to eat until 11 a.m. for intermittent fasting. In addition, I plan to track my calories today. Each day to a degree is starting over with pushing that boulder. When you begin to string together weeks of success it does begin to get easier.
Good morning everyone. Happy Monday. I wish you all luck in whatever boulders you are attempting to push in your life today.
Shaynanigans 